Naruto drabble series
by mercva
Summary: Some adult themes in this. Email me if you want to continue ANY of these!
1. Naruto Finds True Love

Summary: Naruto finds true love.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

WARNING! Hentai stuff ahead. Don't read this if you're... say, under 18. Or intolerant of really perverted stuff. Erm, this fic is het, not slash.

You have been warned.

* * *

Naruto was in a fix. As always, to calm his nerves, he prepared a cup of instant ramen, then put it down to sit while he mused over his problem.

Hinata-chan said she wanted to take their relationship to the "next level". He wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but did know that it meant hugging and kissing, then something that he had no idea about. One thing Naruto was sure of, though, was that he didn't want to look like (even more of) an idiot in front of Hinata-chan.

He ran a list of his role models through his head.

Ero-sennin. No way. He'd seen the way the Toad Sennin was treated by women he hadn't paid beforehand -- and Naruto didn't want to be slapped by the love of his life. Given Jiraiya's sense of humour, Naruto wouldn't have trusted his advice in any case.

Iruka-sensei. Hmmm. The chuunin knew a lot about life, possibly even about girlfriends. Naruto doubted it, though -- he knew more than most about Iruka-sensei's homelife, and knew that the man had never had a girl so much as look in his direction.

Kakashi-sensei. Naruto immediately struck the tardy jounin-sensei's name off the list for the same reason as Ero-sennin -- with the additional fact that Kakashi'd probably blow him off with some bullshit excuse, then go read porno.

Tsunade? Hell no. He'd already been beaten down by her for his Sexy no Jutsu -- he figured he knew what she'd do to him when she learnt he wanted to get to know Hinata-chan on a new level.

Hmmm.

This was harder than he'd thought it'd be.

"Itedakimasu," he chimed, before ripping into his ramen.

* * *

Naruto had come up with a surefire way of figuring out this "next level" stuff.

The Library.

It was stocked with textbooks on human relationships for kunoichi to use on deep infiltration missions. He was pretty certain there would be something in there to help him figure this out.

Tiptoeing into the tomb-silent building, he tried to avoid one of his longterm enemies.

"You again, Naruto! Get out! OUT!"

Being beaten over the head with a broom hurt. It had only been the one paintbomb, too -- couldn't the old obaa-teme take a joke?

* * *

"Naruto, what do you want," Sakura asked flatly.

"Why do I want anything," Naruto asked nervously, grinning like a lunatic.

"If it were just me, then I'd have blackmail material to go to Hinata with," Sakura said. "But Tenten and Ino, too?"

"Ano... well, Hinata-chan said she wanted to 'take our relationship to the next level'," Naruto said. "I don't know what she means by that!"

The three girls looked at each other and giggled evilly.

Naruto's eyes widened. He knew this had been a mistake.

* * *

Grumpy, he went to bed. He'd wound up taking the three through the shopping district, to buy their silence about the whole affair, and still had no idea what Hinata-chan had meant.

* * *

A groan echoed around the concrete sewer popularly known as Naruto's mind.

Why the hell did that bastard fox want to talk to him!

"What now," Naruto roared at the gate held shut by the seal. "I've got bigger problems than dealing with you!"

"I've been... watching you," the demon kitsune said. "Pathetic! You want to know what she wants?"

"Well, yeah," Naruto said. "Baka."

Kyuubi snorted. "I know what she means."

"Really," Naruto asked, brightening up. "Tell me, please!"

"Why should I? I'm just a 'bastard fox'."

"Uh... because you're a really, really great demon and I'd really, really appreciate it and owe you one?"

Kyuubi considered this, before deciding to tell Naruto one way to take Hinata's words. "You sure you wanna know?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, frustrated.

"Okay... you ever look through the hardcore porno mags for your Sexy no Jutsu," Kyuubi asked.

"Hell no," Naruto said. He'd picked one up once, but the shopkeeper had threatened to give him a royal beatdown if he didn't put it back.

"Right," Kyuubi said, satisfied that Naruto had no idea one way or the other. "Now, if you're gonna learn this shit from me, you gotta promise that you'll pay attention and go through with this."

"This is important to Hinata-chan," Naruto said. He'd gone through a week of hell without ramen, once, to prove his devotion to a once-doubtful Hinata. "'Course I'm going through with this."

"Okay," Kyuubi said, satisfied. The shape of the huge demon fox shimmered, shrinking into a tall, humanoid figure with fox ears and a bushy tail in a male kimono. A second form shimmered into being, basically a female equivalent of his form. "First thing is, restraining 'em."

"Restraining," Naruto asked, worried. He hadn't gotten very high scores in tying ropes at the Academy.

Iron chains fell from the unseen ceiling, and Kyuubi pulled the kitsune-onna's wrists up, manacles clamping onto them. "Next thing is the blindfold and gag. You getting all this?"

Naruto nodded. "Chains, gag, blindfold."

"Okay," Kyuubi said. "Next thing... to tease her."

With that, the demon fox unceremoniously ripped the kimono off the female kitsune-shape.

Naruto blushed, but kept watching. Kyuubi was the only being that he could trust to not blackmail him or give him bad advice. What the hell would it get out of screwing him up?

"The important thing," Kyuubi said, producing little metal devices, "is to make sure that the two sensations of pleasure and pain get mixed. For /her/."

"Ewwww! You nasty fox," Naruto yelled, pointing at the fox'es crotch, where an erection was becoming increasingly obvious.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. Just how stupid was Naruto? "This is sex, kid, what did you think was involved? Now shut the hell up, or I'm stopping right here and now."

Naruto's eyes widened, as he went silent as the grave. This was sex? He'd heard about the existence of sex, but no one ever told him what it was about, they only brushed him off and said 'When you're older'.

"Now, if we're finished discussing the matter," Kyuubi said sarcastically, "nipple clamps are one commonly used item. Some people go for clamps, other folks go for alligator clips. This case, we're going for clamps..."


	2. Missing in General

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto, missing in general.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

Inspired by Flame of Recca, the first ninja anime I ever saw.

* * *

Three year old Naruto yelled. "Bored! Bored! Bored!"

Sandaime frowned. He was busy as it was with paperwork, Konohagakure no Sato didn't run itself. "Mitarashi, can't you keep him occupied?"

Anko scowled at the young boy. "None of the other children will have anything to do with him, and I can't say I blame them."

"Play with him," Sandaime said. "Teach him ninjitsu or something, I don't know."

"Awwwww," Anko whined. "Can't I go see shishou instead?"

Sarutobi rubbed the bridge of his nose. He felt a headache coming on. "This is an order from your hokage -- Keep. Uzumaki. Naruto. BUSY!"

"Okay," Anko squeaked, picking up the mildly smelly boy and running.

Sandaime grinned. Nice to know he could still scare chuunin with the best of them.

* * *

Naruto looked up at the weird lady, head tilted. "We play game?"

"Uh... sure," Anko said. Dammit, she didn't want to do this crap.

"Yatta," Naruto cheered, clapping his hands. "Horsie, lady!"

"Hell no," Anko said immediately. She thought a moment.

She didn't want to spend time with the demon brat. But if she didn't, Hokage would make her. Unless she couldn't find him. And she wasn't any good at tracking -- Hokage knew that. So, if no one could find the brat, she wouldn't have to deal with the Kyuubi brat.

"Let's play ninja," Anko said. She discarded immediately the idea of teaching the kid to hide -- no way would he get away from the highly trained noses of the Inuzuka clan.

"Ninja! Ninja," Naruto yelled at the top of his lungs. The two of them were now out in the park, where several mothers were giving Anko sympathetic looks.

"Wanna learn a magic trick," Anko asked. "I'll teach you Henge, and you can hide in plain sight without people learning who you are."

Naruto nodded eagerly. "Then, they won't say 'You little shit, go away'!"

"Okay," Anko said, hands forming a seal. "This, is what we call the serpent seal, you form it too..."

* * *

A week later, Hokage frowned again after looking out the window. "Oi, tell Mitarashi to come to me."

And, a minute later...

"Why aren't you looking after Naruto as you were ordered," Sandaime Hokage asked.

"Can't find him," Anko shrugged. "And I'm no good at tracking."

Sarutobi sighed. Being Hokage was a pain at times. "Tell one of the Inuzuka to track him for you, then."

Anko left, having received orders.

* * *

Naruto grinned widely at Anko. "Nee-san, that was fun!"

Anko forced a smile on her face. "You got caught, because you forgot to hide your scent."

"Scent," Naruto asked, confused.

"What you smell like," Anko elaborated. "You need to smell like other people, so dogs won't smell you."

Naruto scowled, rubbing his ass where a stupid dog with an eyepatch had bit him. Naruto decided that he hated dogs.

* * *

Nine year old Naruto whistled, looking like a nine year old Academy student walking down the street, manga in hand.

"Eeeeeeh," a shoplady selling senbei said. "Uchiha Hikaru, why are you not at the Academy!"

Naruto held up the manga, speaking in his henge'd voice. "This new issue of King of Fighters came out!"

"Grrrrr," the shoplady said. "My own nephew... get back here! I'll tell your mother on you!"

Naruto ran around a corner, hands coming up in a handseal. With a poof, a young fisherman stood where the former student had been. He continued on, reading his manga.

Half a second later, a stout shoplady ran into him.

"pant Did you see a boy, about this high, with black hair run past?"

"Nope, didn't see none like 'at," Naruto said. He'd found that mixing up accents threw people off, meaning he didn't get anything thrown at him (whether fruit or fists.)

* * *

By now, Hokage had given up on keeping track of Naruto. He kept track of the kid until he performed henge no jutsu, then Naruto slipped his eye and disappeared into the crowd. Somehow, the little blonde always turned up at night in the little apartment provided for him by Sandaime. Well, there and the ninja academy. Naruto was almost never late there.

"Ah, Iruka," Sandaime said, greeting the Academy teacher as he lit his pipe. "How are the teams this year?"

"We're one over," Iruka said. "This is my first year teaching, being chuunin, how do I handle this?"

"Hmmm," Sarutobi mused. "Who is the 'one over' student?"

"Well, the Kyuubi boy is the only one who doesn't fit nicely with two others," Iruka said. "He's always getting on, but never seems to make friends."

Hokage blew a smoke ring, watching it float up into the night sky. "The oldfashioned way for him, I think."

"Hokage-sama," Iruka asked. "Oldfashioned way?"

"An apprenticeship," Hokage said. "Hmm, yes. Given how the kid disappears all the time, I think that Rui might be best."

"Who," Iruka asked. "I haven't heard of her."

"Rui the Formless," Hokage laughed. "I've never seen anyone as good as her at Henge."

"But that's an Academy jutsu," Iruka said.

"Ah, but can you fool /me/ with it," Sandaime asked. "Yes, I think Naruto might do well with her."

* * *

A year later, Sarutobi looked down the lists.

"I want a C class mission," Naruto yelled. "Those are fun!"

Hokage tossed Rui a small scroll. "Your mission is to clean out a group of bandits near the border to the Wave."

"Search and destroy," Naruto cheered. "Yaaaay!"

* * *

After two days observation of the small camp, Naruto and Rui felt they had enough information on the habits of the bandits.

"Okay, deshi, are you sure you're up to this," Rui asked.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah! Henge!"

The sentry for the night was extremely surprised to see his twin brother walk out of the darkness towards him.

"Eh? Daisuke," he asked.

Naruto chopped the man across the back of his head, dragging him into the bushes to finish him off in a less noticeable location. After rifling the now dead man's pockets for his pass, he sauntered back into camp.

"Oi, Hiroshi," a man yelled out as he walked past. "Aren't you on sentry duty!"

"Toilet," Naruto said.

"Aaaa," the man said, waving Naruto on. He then stopped waving, suspicious. "Pass?"

Naruto pulled out the piece of paper, then continued on his way.

Twenty seconds later, a tasteless, odourless poison had been distributed through the water barrels for the camp. Naruto had no sympathy for the men -- Hokage had documented proof of the inhumane crimes they had committed, all for their money.

Naruto walked out of the camp, whistling, still wearing the face of the dead sentry. One man offered to let him play dice with them, but Naruto refused, citing his sentry duty.

Two days later, Rui and Naruto cleaned up the last few stragglers. Mostly die hard drunkards who only drank sake or beer.

* * *

"Un," Hokage muttered. "Well done. So well done that I think I'll give you another C class."

"Sugoi," Naruto said.

Hokage held up two scrolls, this time. "Mission scroll, and message scroll."

"This is for the Hidden Mist," Rui said, flicking through the mission scroll. "Delivery for the chuunin exams. This will be easy."

* * *

"Ready, deshi," Rui asked.

"Yes, sensei," Naruto nodded, henge'ing into a small, cute kid of about four years of age.

Another cloud of henge smoke, and Rui the Formless appeared as a young widow, going with her young son to her home village, away from the bad memories of her dear, deceased husband's home village.


	3. Friends and Technology

Summary: Making friends, and better living through technology.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

* * *

Naruto scowled, running through the crowd. It had been his birthday yesterday, and no one had said anything! It wasn't every day that you turned four, didn't these people know that?

He slammed into an abrupt halt, running into an unfortunate man's legs. Naruto gulped -- this sort of thing was usually the precursor to a lot of pain on his end, inflicted by his 'victim'.

"S-s-sorry," Naruto said nervously, laughing slightly.

"What," the man asked. He was thin, with a black tee shirt and black jeans on. He stared at Naruto ignorantly, headphones now around his neck rather than on his ears. "Who're you?"

Naruto's mouth dropped open as he stared at the man. "Uzumaki Naruto... most people know of me, no one'll admit to knowing me."

"Uzumaki, Uzumaki," the man muttered, scratching his head. "Ah. Sorry about knocking you over -- I'll pay for your lunch as an apology."

Naruto stared some more. This was unprecedented, and threatened to blow his young mind. "You're... not mad at me?"

The man shook his head. "No, I should have been keeping an eye out, it's my fault. My name is Largo, nice to meet you."

"Oooo! Where are we going for lunch," the small and excitable Naruto asked eagerly.

Largo scratched his head again, this time in embarassment. Naruto got the feel it was a nervous habit for the man. "Ah, payday is not until next week, so is sandwiches okay? I can't even afford ramen..."

"SUGOI!"

* * *

Naruto stared around Largo's small flat, roughly the same size as his own, but far more cluttered with strange machines and funny looking discs that were shiny. "What is all this?"

"Ah, computer equipment and music," Largo said, handing Naruto a plate. "Are luncheon and cheese sandwiches okay?"

Naruto nodded. "I've never had sandwiches before!"

"I'm not from Konoha," Largo admitted. "I moved here to install their new computer system and run it for them."

"Really? Where are you from," Naruto asked. "Where? Where?"

Largo laughed. "One at a time! I'm from a small country outside the shinobi countries called New Zealand."

"New... Zealandu?"

"Something like that," Largo said. He walked over to a funny looking television. "Come here, and I'll show you some of my work."

"Cool!"

"See this," Largo said, pointing at the screen. "I'm talking to a man in the Wind Country!"

"Really," Naruto said. He'd heard of telephones, but... "I can't hear him!"

"No, we're writing to each other," Largo explained. "See, here he types something, and I type something back."

"This is so cool," Naruto whispered. "H-I-D-D-E-N... S-A-N-D. Hidden Sand! Wow! Is he a shinobi from another village?"

"Hmmm," Largo muttered, peering at the window. "Ah, yes. Here it is -- he works for Kazekage, distributing missions."

"Distributing?"

"Giving them out to ninja."

"Oh. Hey, can I type something to him?"

* * *

Sandaime smiled as he looked in his crystal ball, watching the young immigrant make friends with Naruto. It was good to see the youngster (both of them) making new friends. Most of Konoha's ninja were somewhat leery of Largo, thinking of his technology as close to useless. Sandaime was of the opinion that in the future, this technology would be as important as taijutsu, or genjutsu, since information was one of the shinobi's most important assets.

* * *

Eight years later, Naruto burst into the network operations computer room in the Konoha Administrative building.

"Largo! I passed!"

"Congratulations," Largo said. "I think I can afford ramen this week. Come here, Shizuru from the Hidden Rain is asking after you."

"Really," Naruto asked. He went over to the chat session on Largo's computer, initiating chat with her and two other people while carrying a conversation with Largo at the same time. "Ah! I have to tell her, Kurama, and Doraemon!"

Doraemon's real name was Sousuke, but he had tried to type in 'Dragon' as his name on the computer. Due to his poor spelling at the time, he had put down 'Doragon', and it had become a running joke across the continent that his name was _really_ Doraemon.

"I don't know if I approve of Kurama," Largo frowned. "You know that we don't know where he's from. All our traces and lookups have gone out of the Shinobi Continent over the satellites."

Naruto scowled, his typing pausing for a moment. "C'mon, bro, he knows all kinds of cool stuff about ninjutsu. I don't know why he likes foxes so much, though."

Largo shrugged. "I don't get it either. He's saying something about a 'Kyuubi', here. The only ninetailed kitsune here was... eleven years ago, wasn't it? And didn't Yondaime kill it?"

"Only? There can be more than one," Naruto asked.

"Yup," Largo nodded. "I looked them up after he mentioned them. See, here in Japan there's a page about them."

"Really," Naruto asked, wide eyed. "I looked in the library here and it didn't have _anything._"

"That's the power of the computer and the network," Largo said smugly.

Naruto nodded. "Hey, Kurama and Shizuru have special techniques as presents! They're sending me pictures -- can I print them?"

"Go ahead," Largo nodded. As head of the Computer Information Technology unit in Konoha, he had final say on what went. "I'll come back in an hour, then I'll buy you ramen."

"YAAAY!"

* * *

Post-fic Comments:

No sequels. I'm not sure where this one came from, to be honest. And I have no idea what goes next.

Names? Shizuru comes from Berserk (Guts' adoptive mum), Kurama from Yuu Yuu Hakusho, and Doraemon from Great Teacher Largo (when his hands get superglued to the bowling balls.)


	4. Read or Die

Summary: Read or Die!

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

Gennai is from the OVA 'Read or Die', and might be a bit OOC.

* * *

"Name?"

"Gennai Hiraga."

"Occupation and origin?"

"Rurouni, of no particular town. I'm just a wandering samurai with no master."

* * *

Naruto fell onto his ass, and looked up at the unexpected obstacle. "Sorry, man..."

A grey, weatherbeaten face looked down at him as a long, thin mouth spoke around the thin metal pipe at the corner of his mouth.

"Careful where you go next time, kid."

"You're... you're not mad at me," Naruto asked, wanting to be sure. Every time this had happened in the past, he'd gotten a good thrashing afterwards.

"No... watch where you're going next time," the man said.

As Naruto stared at the laquered box on the man's back as he walked away, he called out, "What's your name, mister?"

"Hiraga," the man said, head turning as he took the pipe out. "Gennai Hiraga. And it's rude to ask for someone's name without giving yours."

"Ah, hihihi," Naruto laughed. "Sorry. I'm Naruto! Uzumaki Naruto!"

* * *

Hiraga lingered over the bowl of ramen, watching people walk by. This Hidden Village was... normal. Shockingly so. He couldn't see any outlet for the strife which normally existed in a ninja village -- in the Sand, it was the weather, in the Mist, it was the constant fog... here, it seemed like paradise, and he couldn't understand.

"Demon! How dare you do that!"

"A-all I wanted was an apple," the kid from before said, hiding behind a powerpole as a short, tubby shopkeeper ran after him with a stout broom.

Gennai sighed, getting up. "Leave the kid alone."

The shopkeeper looked Gennai up and down. Old-style, extra tall wooden getta sandals, hakama and a gi top outfit, a topknot... the ceramic high voltage standoffs sticking up behind his head decided it. His mother had warned him never to take on anyone weirder than he was. The shopkeeper ran for it.

"T-thanks, bro," Naruto said, wide eyed that someone besides Hokage-sama had stood up for him.

"I don't normally perform charity, but you deserve it," Gennai said, rubbing his chin. "I need a student to learn my style of swordsmanship... interested?"

"Why do you want me," Naruto asked, wary. This could be the setup for humiliation. It had happened before, and had resulted in him stuck in the middle of town in nothing but his underwear.

"You've got a good heart, you look physically strong," Gennai mused, "and most importantly, you've got a lot of natural energy. Interested?"

"YES, GENNAI-SENSEI!"

* * *

Hokage looked up.

"Sandaime! The Kyuubi has returned!"

"WHAT," Sarutobi roared. The fox demon had escaped? Sure, he'd known that Naruto had ran away (and privately he didn't blame the blonde), but how could the demon have escaped it's imprisonment!

Once they reached the gates, Sarutobi restrained the urge to throttle the messenger chuunin. "Naruto! It's so good to see you again!"

"Thanks," Naruto grinned. He was dressed in geta, hakama, and a gi top just like his sensei, along with the laquered wooden box on his back with the high voltage standoffs sticking out of the top. "Gennai-sensei said I should return."

"Gennai," Sarutobi asked. "Where is he?"

"He died of poison from the Sound leader," Naruto said, looking sad.

"My condolences," Sarutobi said. "Are you sure you can pass the Ninja Academy graduation exam?"

* * *

"Okay, you need either to pass the taijutsu and ninjutsu sections of the exam, or a miracle from God," Umino Iruka frowned. Naruto had left before he'd had to teach him, and Iruka privately wished that the blonde demon hadn't returned. Still, he had to give a fair exam with Sandaime standing behind him.

Naruto shrugged. "Will this do?"

He slammed one foot down, the two wooden treads of the geta spiking into the ground as he brought his hands together. Slowly pulling them apart, he had a stream of thick arcs of lightning flashing between his hands, sounding a great deal like Hatake Kakashi's 'Chidori'. Bringing his hands together above his head to concentrate the energy further, he brought his hands down and the electricity in each flooded down to the ground.

The results were spectacular.

Sandaime, citing unknown reasons (the real one was that he wanted to spend time in the sun for a change), had ordered that the exam take place on top of the Academy building. The thick bolts of lightning flooded through the building, shattering stone and wood as it sought a path to the ground, bouncing back up as it burnt the conductive path to the ground, arcing through and forming new paths through air and stone over and over until Naruto let the lightning fade.

Sandaime, Iruka, and Mizuki, all experienced ninja, had jumped to a nearby building as soon as it remotely looked like things were becoming wahoonie shaped.

Naruto floated to the ground, the Academy remains burning slowly as the rubble shifted.

"So, do I pass?"

* * *

Naruto stared at Neji. "Kaiten will do you no good against this."

Neji stared back, twitching from electrocution. Damn it, how was he supposed to impress the judges and graduate to chuunin if he came up against monsters like this!

* * *

Sound ninja were converging on his position. Most ninja would agree that it was a bad move to stand on top of the central tower of an enemy village shouting insults.

Naruto slammed one geta'd foot into the tower roof, holding his hands apart as electricity began to arc between them.

This time, he'd put a little bit more effort into it. Impressing old men and killing people were two separate things.

* * *

Post-fic Comments:

While Naruto might seem overpowered in this, he isn't. Genjutsu will do him in, as will speed if he doesn't have his wits about him

Completely OT: One of the running gags in RoD is that the American president, faced with overwhelming opposition, will order an all-out attack. When that attack fails miserably, his legs will collapse and he will piss his pants in front of everyone.


	5. Oldschool Ninja

Summary: A drabble born of a cross between my personal stereotype of ninja, and another bunny that won't go away. (I'm a terrible person.)

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

Cling to the ceiling is a Ranma 1/2 thing.

* * *

Sandaime briefly considered climbing out the window, or using the 'Cling to the ceiling and pray no one looks up' technique, then decided against them. By a narrow margin. He wondered what sins he had committed in a past life to deserve all this. The orphans from the Kyuubi attack had been fostered out, mostly, rebuilding was well under way, and he was hoping to avoid whatever bombshell Yamazaki Sakura was going to drop on him.

He would rather face his dear, departed wife than try and stare down the only other person to survive from their graduating class.

The thought made him face up to his duty. "Send her in."

She had grown to be a tall, rake thin woman with steel grey hair in traditional kimono, hair in a bun tied with a senbon.

"How good to see you, Sakura-san," Hokage said cautiously. "Please, take a seat."

She walked over slowly, towering above his short frame. "I prefer to stand."

"What can I do for you today," he asked cordially. "Tea?"

"No, thanks," the elderly woman said. "You can, however, explain what you're trying to pull with the Academy."

"I'm not trying to pull anything," Hokage protested. "We lost all our outstanding teachers in the Kyuubi attack, and we can't afford to pull older jounin and chuunin from their missions -- Konoha is shortstaffed for missions as it is."

"Oh," she said, winding up for a lecture. "You think the retired of Konoha are useless? _Are you trying to tell me that I'm an old hag whose time has come and gone, Sarutobi!_"

He leaned back, face wary. "I felt that you deserved to live your twilight years in peace, and--"

"Peace," she asked. "Don't think that this is a kneejerk reaction either, Sandaime. I've been watching the lessons at the academy -- no one detected me! I can understand the students not detecting me, but the teachers as well!"

Yes, Sandaime decided, it was easier to let her have her way, and would probably prolong his life. "What are you suggesting?"

She leaned further over the desk. Sandaime leaned further back. "I'm coming out of retirement to teach the future kunoichi of Konoha, Sarutobi."

He nodded. "I think this is a good thing, but you are aware that we are considered extremely oldfashioned, even by modern jounin?"

Sakura sniffed. "I might not have family jutsu, or a fancy Bloodline, but I have a better mission success ratio than those so-called jounin."

"Has anyone else expressed interest in this," Sandaime asked.

Sakura settled back into the comfortable guest chair now that she knew she was getting her way.

"Well, Yama_naka_-san wishes to teach non-chakra ninjutsu, and..."

* * *

Naruto wasn't sure of it, and couldn't put his finger on why, but there was a subtle difference in the atmosphere at the Konoha Academy. Normally in the streets he was treated with hate and distrust, but here... things seemed, well, ironclad was the first word that came to his mind.

All the new, first year students had been ordered to stand neatly in rows and columns in the middle of the running track, and an elderly obaasan in kimono was standing in front of them. She had introduced herself as 'Yamazaki-sensei', and the elderly man next to her as 'Yamanaka-sensei'.

"You are all training to be shinobi of Konoha. This does not mean that you will kill our enemies with abandon, making your name famous as a famous warrior. The best shadow warrior is one that is never seen and never caught! One that carries out his mission, _not_ trying to beat up the other person! If you get caught, that means you're a failure! Konoha's enemy just learnt that we don't trust them, and you've just brought down trouble on your fellow ninja!"

She paused, looking around to see if everyone was hearing what she had said. Satisfied, she continued. "Now, one of the first things to get out of the way is blood! I don't care if you are Hyuuga, Uchiha, Inuzuka, or some no-name like Uzumaki or Haruno! When I tell you to jump, you jump! If I tell you to scrub toilets, you start licking! You're all equal in my eyes -- equally bad!"

A similarly aged man next to her spoke up. "If you had any daydreams of getting lectures and cruising along like in Civilian school, I'm afraid that it is just that -- a daydream. Male students, please move to your left. Female students, move to your right."

"That is discrimination," a pale haired girl with cloudy cyan coloured eyes protested.

"You'll never be as powerful in battle as one of those boys, so you can give up now, girl," the woman snorted.

One of the boys laughed.

Yamanaka-sensei turned to him. "I'm so sorry, Akimichi-san, but neither you nor Tanaka-san will ever be able to seduce a businessman."

Akimichi blushed, as Yamazaki-sensei chipped in. "Unless you hope that both you and them swing 'that' way? Quiet! Neither ninja nor kunoichi are above each other. Without the kunoichi, the ninja has no information! Without the ninja, the kunoichi lacks defense and can only run!"

"A team works better in every situation, in both war and peace," Yamanaka-sensei said amiably.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. This was so obviously a good cop bad cop routine that he wanted to groan.

"Hey! When do we learn cool jutsu," Naruto yelled.

"Congratulations, class, Uzumaki just earnt you all five laps around the field," Yamazaki-sensei said. "Start running!"

"Bakayarou," Sakura yelled at Naruto. What an idiot!

"Haruno just earnt you another five! I want ten laps, NOW!"

* * *

Naruto groaned. He had just missed one of the traps in the Academy, and ached. While the Academy didn't poison their senbon and kunai, and the senbon were not especially big and the kunai not thrown particularly hard, they were doped with a chemical to make each puncture and cut hurt for hours.

His eyes narrowed as he pulled out a mirror and looked around the corner. (Umino-sensei was _good_ at detecting chakra.) He was going to succeed in getting to the field undetected this day!


	6. Talk Tonight

Summary: Surely Konoha has a diplomat or two. If only to keep their opponents focussed on one person while they attack from a different source.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

Ever heard "Planet of Women" by ZZ Top? Absolute first thought that comes to mind -- Jiraiya.

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

* * *

"This is too much!"

Sandaime looked evenly at his top diplomat. "Tenma, think of it as a test, if you must."

Well, he had always wondered what could ruffle Tenma's unshakable poise.

"But... to gain the trust of _that demon_!"

Sarutobi puffed on his pipe for a moment. "I'm sorry it had to come to this. I order you."

Tenma rose to his feet, elegant kimono arranged perfectly as he nodded. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

"Tenma," Hokage called out.

"Yes?"

"Impress him. You'll need to overwhelm him to really get to him."

"I'll try it my way first."

* * *

Naruto stopped, surprised.

It wasn't often you got people in fancy dress. Normally it only happened during festivals and when important people (like ninja from other villages!) came to visit. But here one was, in formal kimono.

"Naruto," the man asked, with a smile.

Naruto was blown away. Someone besides Hokage was _smiling_ at him? "Uh, yeah?"

"My name is Tenma -- Hokage told me that you're the best person to ask," the man said, still smiling.

Ah, Naruto had him figured now -- polite until the moment Hokage dropped the watchers.

"Well, if you're sure," Naruto said cagily.

"Maybe we could discuss this over a meal," Tenma asked. He felt like an idiot, pretending to make friends with the demon. He was pretty sure that Hokage meant this as a final test of his ability -- to see if he could win over someone he hated, despite himself.

"Sure," Naruto said. Free stuff was not to be turned down. "Ramen okay with you?"

"Excellent," Tenma said. "I know a restaurant that does ramen to die for..."

* * *

Five bowls of ramen later, Naruto finally seemed to be slowing down to a speed where he could talk with his dinner guest as well as eat. "Sho wat did yer want (slurrrp) me for?"

Inwardly, Tenma's sense of elegance and politeness was horrified at this... _brat's_ table manners. "You've become very famous for your ability to give chuunin and jounin the slip after one of your... pranks."

Naruto laughed out loud at this. It was an outgoing laugh, full bodied, and Tenma would have curled his lips upward were it not for his dislike for the child. "Not just anyone could do that -- I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm the future Hokage!"

Tenma forced himself to laugh, and made it appear natural. "Still... any chance you could tell me how you do it?"

Naruto frowned in suspicion. "You just want to tell them so they can catch me! I'm not stupid!"

Tenma held up a hand. "I swear that I'm not going to tell anyone but Hokage-sama what you tell me today."

"Well... if you're sure," Naruto said. "First thing is, they think I'm an idiot, so they don't pay too much attention..."

* * *

"So," Hokage said. "How was your day?"

"If it wasn't for the fact that I and everyone above ten or so know that he's the demon," Tenma said, "he'd easily be one of the most popular people in Konoha. He's got passion, has to be the world's biggest extrovert, and attracts people like flies to honey. That, combined with his appearance, and he's got the makings of one of the social alphas. It's unfortunate in that respect that he has the social skills of a stoned orang utan."

Hokage nodded, putting more tobacco into his pipe. "I see."

Tenma argued internally with himself for a while, before coming to a decision. "Hokage-sama, I and the rest of the village don't understand why you don't just execute the demon while he's trapped in a human form, before he grows up and turns on us."

"Naruto is Naruto, not the Ninetails," Hokage said with a sigh. "If anything, he is the demon's jailor. Naruto represents the chance to enslave the demon to work _for_ us -- _if_ we get his loyalty before all those stupid people cause him to hate Konoha."

"But--"

"Do you really think that Yondaime's son would turn on us," Hokage asked wearily. He truly tired of these arguments. "Kindly forget I said that last part, please."

Tenma's mouth was open, gaping as he internally processed what Hokage had said.

The demon was, in fact, the _human_ son of Yondaime, and the one who jailed the Ninetails? Uzumaki Naruto was the one who _tormented_ the demonic kitsune?

Hokage mentally chalked another point to him. Twice in his life now, he had seen Tenma lose his composure, and both occurances on the same day. "I see you understand, now."

"... yes," Tenma forced out. Viewed in that light... well, he wasn't going to hold Naruto up as an icon of the light, but he wasn't going to put him down. "When you said he was Yondaime's legacy..."

Hokage nodded. "If you're willing to take it up, I have an ongoing D-rank mission for you that will not conflict with existing priorities."

* * *

Naruto might have been a bit slow, but he was not stupid, and he soon realised that his talk with Tenma had been what turned things around.

He grinned up at the diplomat, hugging the scroll to his chest. "Thanks, Tenma-aniki!"

Tenma smiled evenly. His internal politician explained away cultivating Naruto as gaining a powerful ally, while his internal _human_ knew that, at heart, Naruto was a good person. Unfortunately, his work took him away from Konoha quite a lot, so the D-rank mission of improving peoples' opinion of Naruto was going slowly, very slowly.

"That's a scroll of training methods from the Wind Country," he said. "We're not supposed to have it, so give it to Hokage-sama when you're done with it."


	7. Reflections of an old optimist

Summary: Reflections of an old optimist

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

* * *

Naruto wasn't sure he believed this.

Sure, they (as in the students) turned up on time. How could they tell off their lazy teacher with a straight face if they, too, were late?

Well, that and the fact that Kakashi-sensei somehow magically knew every single time that his students were late.

But this was a first. Kakashi, on time? He hadn't even turned up on time to their very first Genin orientation introduction.

"Aaah! You're not Kakashi-sensei," Naruto screamed.

Kakashi blinked from where he was reading Icha Icha Paradise. "Yes, I am."

"Kakashi-sensei is never on time. You are on time, therefore you are not Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke said dispassionately, eyes narrowed slightly to indicate displeasure.

"Yes I am," the Jounin protested. He held up a piece of paper. "See? Order from Hokage-sama!"

All three Genin bent forwards to read the order. Kakashi had been ordered to come with Haruno Sakura to the Hokage's office, on time, on pain of all his Icha Icha Paradise being confiscated.

"Nihihihi," Naruto laughed. "I bet that old pervert thought that he'd get your porn no problem!"

"Hey! This isn't porn," Kakashi protested, rubbing his cheek against the orange book. "This is art of the highest degree!"

"You mean the lowest," Sakura said, disgusted.

"Well, come on," Kakashi said to Sakura.

"What about us," Naruto screamed. "What are we meant to do?"

Kakashi waved a hand absently. "Go train or something."

"Aaaagh! You useless sensei!"

* * *

As Sakura stood nervously before the massive desk, it struck her just how long Sandaime had served as Hokage. Even longer than she had been alive, even.

Smoke curled around his form, as he exhaled steadily after taking a drag from his tobacco pipe.

Kakashi stood there, stoic.

"As you know, the Chuunin exams are coming up soon," Sandaime said, staring out the window across Konoha.

"Yes, sir," Kakashi nodded.

"Are you going to recommend Team Seven for it," Sandaime asked.

"Yes," Kakashi said immediately. "I think that they are ready for it."

"We are," Sakura said, surprised, before shutting up.

Sandaime turned his head to look at the Genin and Jounin-sensei from the corner of his right eye. "Sometimes, I think that Konoha has fallen under my care."

"No way," Sakura said, wanting to please the grandfatherly old man. "We've never done better!"

Kakashi merely nodded.

"Our numbers have gone up, true," Sandaime said, turning to regard the two with both eyes. "But... our skill and drive have gone down, on average."

Kakashi looked surprised. "But Maito Gai--"

Sandaime actually laughed out loud at this. "Yes, Gai certainly is driven, isn't he? But it is more you I speak of."

Kakashi stiffened at this. He was acknowledged as one of the best ninja under Sandaime's command. "Sir?"

"I made a mistake, placing you as jounin-sensei," Sandaime admitted. "Your skill and aptitude runs more to doing, rather than teaching."

"Kakashi-sensei is an excellent teacher," Sakura protested.

"My skill at reading people has also gone down," Sandaime noted. "Haruno, I had expected you to make friends with Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke, rather than making one uncomfortable and actively driving the other away. One who is afraid of losing family, and the other who never had one."

Both Kakashi and Sakura stared at the floor, realising that this was a dressing down, even if it was the most polite one they'd ever had.

"I keep forgetting that I deal with people, who are petty, hold grudges, and are lazy," Sandaime said. "That's my major flaw -- I keep expecting the best of people. Uchiha Itachi, I never expected to break down. Orochimaru, I never expected to go /sick/ in the mind."

Sakura felt horrible for letting down this sweet old man now.

"After seeing how well my student in turn taught his student, and how well that student taught you, I had thought you would have been an excellent tutor in the shinobi arts, Kakashi," Sandaime said, turning again to stare out across his village. "It is a shame to see that the chain of tradition has been shattered."

Kakashi felt guilty as all hell now. Somehow, he just /knew/ that Yondaime-sensei and Obito were looking down and giving him the evil eye right now.

Hokage turned around, revealing a smile. "Still, now that you know about these problems, I'm sure that you can try and fix them."

"Y-Yes, sir," Kakashi said.

"That's all," Hokage dismissed them. "I hope to get better reports in future."


	8. Swordsman, not ninjutsu

Summary: Living with the Demon

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

I know some of these drabbles are weak -- they're as much to exorcise plotbunnies as anything else.

* * *

Naruto was highly excited. He had just learnt to read! Well, begun to learn how to read.

He had a small amount of money saved up, so in celebration of his new skill he decided to treat himself to... a _comic book_.

Wandering into the shop, he looked at the manga stand. _Ranma Half, Tenchi Muyo, Hellsing_... he was lost. Which one was good? He only had enough money for one volume of manga.

"Hey, old man," Naruto called out rudely to the shopkeeper. "Which one of these is good?"

The old man who ran the shop twitched. "Hey, who're you calling old? Get the hell out, you little devil!"

"What," Naruto asked, confused.

The old man threw a book at him. "Get OUT!"

Naruto pocketed it. "Thanks!"

And with that, he was gone.

* * *

Earlier, Naruto had bought a kanji dictionary to help him learn to read. As he struggled through the book, his vocabulary expanded forcefully. He started with the cover.

"Ber... serk. Berserk! Volume... uh... _shuffling pages_ni juu yon! Twenty four!"

Naruto, being a small boy, thought the cover illustration of a man panting harshly, blood raining off him, to be intensely cool. When he flicked through the book quickly, the pages opened up to a double page spread of a man in armour slicing a massive blade through monsters like... well, like a jounin through genin. Naruto couldn't think of a better analogy.

With many small gasps and cries of "Cool! CoolcoolCOOL!", Naruto moved back to the start continued slowly through the book.

* * *

"Hey! Old man," Naruto called out, ducking under the legs of all the chuunin and secretaries that tried to stop him.

Sarutobi sighed, putting his tobacco pipe down onto the desk. _Geez, what has Naruto done now?_

"Hello, Naruto," he said politely.

Naruto waved a book in the air excitedly. "I just read through this _all by myself!_"

"Well done," Sarutobi said, used to praising people for doing good things. "What is it!"

"It's Berserk," Naruto yelled. "It's super cool, and about this really cool man with a HUGE sword!"

"Can I have a look," Sarutobi asked politely.

Naruto frowned suspiciously. "I dunno -- it's my only comic book."

Sarutobi never dreamt he'd be sweet talking four year olds into giving him their manga. "I'll be careful, I promise."

"Well... just because it's you," Naruto decided, handing the old man the manga volume.

"Come on," Sarutobi said. "It's morning tea time. Would you like some biscuits?"

"YEAH," Naruto cheered, following Sarutobi out to one of the balconies where he had soft drink and biscuits while Sarutobi paged through the manga.

* * *

Sandaime hadn't been sure he wanted to give the manga back, after skimming through it. It didn't seem very psychologically healthy. On the other hand, Naruto seemed very attached to it.

"Hey! If this is twenty four, then there must be twenty three OTHER volumes of this to read," Naruto had realised.

By now, Sarutobi had given up. All he could do was try and divert him. "I think I've got some manga for other series, Naruto--"

"NO WAY," Naruto yelled. "I wanna find out what happens to Guts! You said that your kid has the rest of this! C'mon, c'mooooooooon..."

Sarutobi had laughed at the thought of the chainsmoking Asuma (who himself had children) being described as a kid. "Okay, okay..."

* * *

Naruto was sitting in the forest with a backpack full of manga sitting by him. Every time he had found a good spot in Konoha to sit and read, someone always seemed to start talking, or asked him to move.

He looked up as he heard something.

Three Leaf ninja were being chased at a rapid clip by four... foreign ninja. Naruto didn't know the symbols for the Hidden Villages yet.

As the lead Leaf got into the clearing, he gasped. "The demon!"

"Demon," one of the foreign ninja asked. "Demon, demon! Leaf-demon is the fox Kyuubi who was killed by Leaf's Yondaime..."

The second foreign ninja shook his head, connecting the dots. "He couldn't kill the Ninetailed Beast, and that leaf-nin called the kid demon, so..."

"Demon-kid," the first foreign ninja gasped.

"Useful tool, yes! Not like that Gaara," the second said, spitting on the ground.

Naruto barely had enough time to put the manga away and run for it.

* * *

"Dammit, Shiori, why you wanna keep some kid you found on the side of the road?"

"Eh, let her, Hiroshi. It doesn't take much to keep her happy and by next week she'll have found a new toy."

"Well, come on, these bolts of silk aren't getting to the Mist by themself."

"We'll 'forget' the kid when we sell the silk."

"Hmmm... okay, but I'm leaving him a weapon. No one should be amongst those bloodthirsty vampires unarmed."

* * *

Naruto woke up slowly. The last thing he remembered had been collapsing once he had gotten to a small road, unused to running.

Now, he was outside a foreign looking village (although not a Hidden Village), with the backpack full of manga and a three foot long sword next to him. It was long and straight, more resembling the Western swords of Berserk than the slim, curved katana of Konoha.

"Hey, isn't that the kid that went missing from Konoha," a voice asked.

Naruto's right hand gripped the hilt of the sword tensely.

"The one with the demon inside him?"

"I think I'll take him."

Naruto opened his eyes to find two ninja in front of him. "Who are you?"

"Mist-nin, and you are our toy."

Toy.

Toy.

Some people had called Naruto that. One fat man had called him toy and tried to... well, the ANBU had happened to come across him and Naruto before anything had happened, but Naruto doubted that there were any Leaf ANBU nearby now.

He held the sword up clumsily.

"Kid thinks he can use a sword? Against Mist-nin?"

Naruto screamed as the first mist-nin leapt at him, holding the sword out in front of him. He fell back as the man landed on it, dying instantly. Naruto pulled it out with a foot against the body.

"Kenji... you little BASTARD," the second mist-nin yelled. "Damn using you, I'm gonna gut you like a PIG!"

* * *

Naruto still had no idea how he had done it, but the second mist-nin was dead beside the first now. Naruto bled profusely from the many slashes that the mist-nin had dealt him and, if it weren't for the slashes, his clothes could be mistaken for tie dye fabric.

He kept moving forward.

* * *

A month later, Naruto had been attacked by civilians, who had also heard the information spread by the Sand-nin who had been near Konoha. There were still some that didn't know him, though, and one had suggested dying his hair.

"No one is looking for a black haired boy with scars," the old woman had explained, smiling at him. "Come on, I'll help you."

The amount of opportunists after his head had lessened after that, but some still attacked Naruto who was, by now, thoroughly lost. The only clue he had was that something about him felt... demonic to them. (It was the chakra of the Ninetails, but Naruto didn't know that.)

Bearing in mind the manga (which he still had, to return -- Naruto was many things, but a thief wasn't one of them!), Naruto bought bigger swords as he got used to his current ones. He kept his eyes open, but he never did find any crossbows like the one that Guts used in the Berserk manga.

* * *

Hokage was deeply worried.

Naruto had mysteriously left, with a story from three chuunin about two missing-nin abducting him. Given their body language, Hokage wasn't sure he believed that. Regardless, it seemed that the secret of the sealed demon inside Naruto was no longer a secret, and it had become open season, with every power-hungry would-be dictator hunting him and his untapped power. The world was no longer as safe as it had been -- the precarious peace settlements between Hidden Villages and Countries were on the verge of breaking down, as leaders thought of finding their _own_ demons to seal, and other countries trying to find how far their opposition had gotten. Independant fighters, like the Demon Swordsman, had also grown in power.

No, life was not safe outside the guarded Hidden Village of the Leaf. After the anniversary of Naruto's disappearance, he had resolved not to give up on the energetic blonde, even as the ANBU captain had refused to continue looking on the grounds of hopelessness.

"Hokage! The Demon Swordsman is at the gates!"

_Time to get to work_, Sarutobi thought to himself.

Once he got to the gates, he regarded the short figure. The Swordsman was five foot nothing, had dark hair, and red eyes. Nicks and scars dotted his face here and there. A four foot long sword was on his back, a chain link on the blade holding it at the base of his neck while a chain sling held it at an angle so the tip did not scrape the ground. The hilt ended above the man's head, and the almost naked blade was ten centimeters wide.

"What can I do for you," Hokage asked politely. Courtesy never hurt (except with true psychotics), and he always had his weapons on him.

The Demon Swordsman grinned. "Geez, old man, you'd think you'd remember me."

"I'm sorry," Hokage apologised. "Who are you?"

"I'm Naruto," the Swordsman yelled.

Hokage fainted.

* * *

Naruto passed the Academy graduation exam by gaining a perfect score fighting the Academy Headmaster. Due to his relatively late arrival in the academic year, it was decided to place him in an existing team with two members.

"Hey," he waved, approaching them. The tallest one, obviously the jounin sensei, had silver hair and was, according to Hokage, Hatake Kakashi. The other two genin were Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke.

"You're our new team member," Kakashi asked.

Naruto nodded.

"Wow... you're tall," the girl, Sakura, commented.

Naruto shrugged. "My... inner power forced me to grow fast. I've a few inches left to go."

"That would explain the eyes," Sasuke said coldly. "Fight me."

Naruto turned his head to look at Hatake.

"Eh, sure," Hatake said, pulling out a book that he started to read. "Go nuts."

The two moved to an open area, and Naruto pulled the huge sword from his back.

Sasuke decided to go for one of his old favourites. "Grand Fireball!"

The immense ball of flame rocketed towards the swordsman, and Sasuke relaxed. He couldn't see his foe ducking around the fireball, and if he moved back then the ball would just keep going until it hit something. He'd as good as won, and he closed his eyes scornfully.

"Hn. Pitiful. This is what they give us?"

He opened his eyes to see the huge blade swinging directly down at him. Sasuke moved sideways, but his arm was still scored.

"You're pathetic," Naruto said. "I'm not even trying, and I can hit you. Fire only burns if you sit in it, moron."

Kakashi lifted his eye from the book. Something of the fireball's size could only be moved _through_ if you were very quick.

It looked like Naruto the Demon Swordsman was just as interesting as rumour had it.

* * *

"Scared," Zabuza taunted.

Naruto's head was facing the ground, and he looked up. Disgust was plain in his eyes. "You are _pathetic._"

Zabuza was taken aback.

"You've been trained in katana, and not at all with your Cleaver," Naruto continued. "You keep using it onehanded, even though you don't have the muscles to do that without losing power, speed, and control. When you do use it, you swing it like an axe. And apart from that, you never use it."

"You'll pay for saying all that," the real Zabuza growled from where he held Kakashi in a watery prison. "Put your money where your mouth it -- if you're so good, come and save your precious sensei!"

The Mist-missing-nin pulled out a huge fuuma shuriken, expanding it and throwing it at Naruto.

Naruto quickly brought his sword around to his front, using the wide blade as a shield. The philosophical difference was immediately obvious -- Zabuza would either have dodged it or used a kunai to deflect it, not his Cleaver to block it entirely.

"Kisame was better than you," Naruto snorted. "You were just in the Seven Heavenly Swordsman to make up the numbers."

With that, he roared as he leapt towards the Mist-nin.


	9. Sound Jutsu

Summary:

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though. Lyrics in this particular part belong to Pantera.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

I know that anime states that men are perverted, while women are pure and non-perverted, but nearly every woman at work has a dirty mind. I'm not kidding here. They make perverted comments... oh, sixty percent of the time while all the guys I know just buckle down and do their work.

* * *

Naruto glared at Konoha from his young eyes. The old man who had taken him from the small orphanage had told him that the people of this town were good, but everything he had seen suggested completely otherwise.

He blinked, face assuming a more neutral expression, as he heard something... unusual. Something strange.

Music.

Not happy-music, like the type the old hag used to play at the orphanage to the other kids, or the lullabies that he had heard mothers sing to their little children at the park, but...

Dark music. Harsh, distorted music with screaming that lyricized of pain, lost love, and death.

Naruto followed his ears.

* * *

Iruka-sensei was about to test his (hopefully) graduating class of would-be ninja, and, with the end of their time together approaching, longstanding issues that had simmered for years were coming to a boil.

"I-I think you should be happier, Naruto-kun," Hyuuga Hinata stammered, blushing as everyone turned their heads to look at her.

"Fucking _bullshit_," Naruto snarled. His hand tightened on the handle for the flightcase to his matte black Stratocaster. "Sasuke. Tell me about your family."

Uchiha Sasuke's face blackened into a dark glare. "Don't say a word, Uzumaki. I will _kill_ him."

Naruto stayed where he was, but turned his head to look at Hinata. "Anger, rage, and sorrow is what shakes the soul, what stays with you for a lifetime. Happiness is fleeting, easily broken."

Yamanaka Ino shook her head, blonde tresses flying. "Sasuke-kun isn't like that!"

"He said he would kill his brother," Naruto snorted. "He didn't say a word about his mother, or his father, anything about their love and care."

"_Naruto_," Sasuke growled. "Not. Another. Word."

Naruto smiled. It wasn't a happy little smile, a wide, moronically gleeful smile or even a wan smile of the sort that Hinata would produce. It was a typical Naruto smile, grim, with a suggestion that he could see a black humour that was otherwise not there.

Everyone quietened as Iruka-sensei walked into the room. "Now, for the graduation exam, you will do the Bunshin no Jutsu. When you are called, come to the next room. Akira."

Naruto opened the hard case, taking out the electric guitar. Without the amplifer, it was near silent. In the stillness of the room, full of tension and stress, the flood of notes seemed to resonate like a kick drum in a concert.

"Naruto. Stop that," Sasuke demanded through gritted teeth.

The blonde smirked at Sasuke, and dropped the Strat to his lap. He made half a seal with his left hand, at the same time making a completely different half-seal with his right, then picked up the guitar.

Distorted sound, amplified by some unseen force, now echoed through the room.

"Keep pushing it, _Uchiha,_" Naruto snorted.

Sasuke settled for a mere glare.

* * *

Kakashi looked at his team. Two kids with a chip on their shoulders, and a no-chest fangirl.

"Oi, oi," he said.

The blonde looked up, putting the guitar that had been sitting idle into a black case.

"Meet me on the roof," Kakashi said, wanting a feeling of space to dissipate his inner feelings of unease.

* * *

"My name is Hatake Kakashi. I have no desire to tell you guys about my likes and dislikes. Dreams for the future...? Hmm... Well, I have lots of hobbies..."

"So all we learned is his name?," Sakura demanded.

"Now it's your turn, from the right," Kakashi ordered.

"My name, depending on who you ask, is either 'Naruto', 'That little shit', or 'The six-strings demon'. I like playing my guitar, and watching... how people react to the little things, like bloodspray, music, threats, that kinda thing. What I dislike are ignorant little shits, and this hole. My dream... is to gain the status of Exile. Hobbies... pissing people off."

* * *

Naruto faced off against Kiba. It was the Preliminaries for the Third Exam, and only one of them would enter it.

Naruto began making a series of seals, finishing them by swinging his guitar from resting on his back to ready-to-play in his hands.

"You're gonna play me a victory song?" Kiba asked. "That's nice of you."

The blonde began to pick out a clear, undistorted tune, crisp, resigned in it's melody.

Kiba attacked. Naruto smoothed moved out of the way as he began to sing in a clear, if somewhat gravelly and hoarse voice.

After a minute of Naruto singing through the first verse, Kiba stopped to glare at him.

"Would you look at me now?"

"Goddamit, attack me!" Kiba screamed.

"Can you tell I'm a man?  
With these scars on my wrists   
To prove I'll try again "

"If you don't, I'll just have to beat you bloody and settle for an empty win!" Kiba yelled, drawing out a kunai. Akamaru, his canine partner, whined softly, huddled against Kiba's legs.

"Try to die again, try to live through this night  
Try to die again..."

Gekkyo, the other genin, the Jounin-sensei, and Hokage looked on in shocked horror as Kiba went silent, then began digging his kunai deeply into his left wrist as Naruto continued to sing, continued to play the matte black Stratocaster with silver strings.

"This match is over! Naruto wins! MEDICS, NOW!" Gekkyo shrieked.


	10. Different Teachers, and Outsiders

Summary: Different teachers teach different things.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

**If you review, FFNet will not email me. I don't know why. If you want me to respond or specifically read the review, email me to make sure.**

Everyone does an original character alternate-sensei at some stage, right?

* * *

Naruto stared at the sensei for him, Sasuke, and Sakura. The man deserved a stare on first look.

He was tall, two meters tall, with long unbound blonde hair that cascaded down his back over brown hardened leather armour. Blue eyes stared defiantly back at the three twelve year olds above a blonde beard, while some manner of wooden handle could be seen sticking above his back behind his head. Engraved and blackened steel bracers were on his forearms.

"Team Seven?" the man asked.

The three rookie genin nodded.

"Follow me."

He took off running, and the kids with shorter legs did their best to keep up. Sasuke and Sakura used chakra directed to their legs while Naruto kept up through sheer bloody mindedness. Eventually he stopped, sitting down on a stone bench in the middle of one of Konoha's numerous parks.

"W-who are you, Sensei?" Sakura asked, panting to regain her breath.

"Erik," the man replied, taking off what appeared to be a long hammer from his back in order to lean back on the bench. "This is my first time as a jounin-sensei -- Sarutobi-sama thought I'd be a good match, some bullshit like that."

"Oi, oi!" Naruto yelled, recovered by now from the run. "I want a better and cooler introduction than that!"

"Yeah? Okay, I'm one of Konoha's more... reclusive nin. I specialise in combat -- I spend quite a bit of time working out at the gym, running, and working on technique. Things I hate? Traitors who give up their birthname, clan, and bloodrights just to be accepted by a pack of idiots."

"Me next!" Naruto said. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm going to be Hokage! I love ramen and pranking and Sakura-chan and--"

Sakura hit him on the head with her fist for the last. "I'm Haruno Sakura. I got very good scores at the Academy, and..."

She looked sideways at Uchiha Sasuke. "Oooh, I'm so embarrassed!"

"That leaves me. I am Uchiha Sasuke... my goal is to kill a certain man, and that is all you need to know."

"What a charming gang of brats you lot are," Erik muttered. "Okay, for an assessment, you three are taking me on."

* * *

Erik leaned on his sledge, not even sweating, and surveyed the results.

Haruno Sakura had been taken down early with a broken leg. She was sitting on the sidelines, crying.

Uchiha Sasuke attempted fireballs, fancy taijutsu, and got a fist to the face that had knocked him out.

Uzumaki Naruto... had actually gotten closest to beating him. Which wasn't very close at all, but better than the other two.

As the two boys woke up, he cracked his back.

"Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic."

"You're a jounin!" Sakura protested. "We only just graduated from the Academy -- we can't beat you!"

"You could have made a better showing for yourself," Erik said coldly. "To be fair, though, your skills may lay in other areas beside combat. Haruno, show me some genjutsu or ninjutsu."

"She has a broken leg!" Naruto protested.

"She is ninja!" Erik roared at Naruto. "You think this is some picnic party, where people politely agree to adhere to socially acceptable rules?"

The taller blonde suddenly grabbed the pinkette before either boy could move, holding the tip of a kunai where Sakura's leg bone had broken. "Uchiha! Kill Uzumaki or I'll cut her ing leg off!"

"You asshole!" Naruto yelled, perfectly aware that he had no prayer of getting a wounded Sakura-chan before the man could carry out his threat.

Erik put the kunai away, laid the girl on the ground, and began to perform handseals.

"We are ninja. It isn't our job to make moral decisions. It's our job to carry out our mission, despite the cost," he said, mending her bones with a jutsu that gave off green light.

He stood up. "Meet me tomorrow at Yagami's Gym, eight in the morning sharp."

* * *

Eight sharp the next morning, the three found themselves running laps around Konoha.

Once they stood sweating in front of Erik-sensei, stretching so their muscles didn't cramp up, he handed out a card to each of them.

"Okay, you're to run through these basic exercises inside. I've already arranged membership, and as leaf-nin you're entitled to four one hour sessions each week. Any more than that, you'll have to upgrade your membership. I'll help pay if that's what you decide. Any less, and you're going to have extended training with _me_. Once you've gone through those cards, I'll meet you at Ichiraku's for lunch. It'll probably take you a while to learn new cards."

Naruto, who had been studying the card, waved it in the air. "Sensei, what is this? Rowing machine? Chest press? Leg flexion? I don't get this!"

The man looked at the other two, who nodded agreement.

"What the hell do they teach you at that damn Academy?"

* * *

After learning how to do their exercises, and a ramen lunch, they were in a little-used training area.

"Okay, first I wanna see how good your chakra control is before I teach you any jutsu. Climb those trees."

He stared as they began climbing, arms grabbing branches.

"No, with your feet."

The genin stared at him.

"What the hell do they teach you at that damn Academy?"

An hour later, Sakura was panting fiercely, chakra almost gone from walking up and down her tree. She had made it to the top, but Erik-sensei had ordered her to keep walking to increase her chakra reserves.

As for Naruto and Sasuke...

"You bastard! You're holding me back!"

"If anything, it's you, moron," Sasuke shot back.

Erik got up from where he was doing push ups. "Haruno, Uchiha, stay here. Haruno, give Uchiha some training in this technique -- I don't want to spend all week on it. Uzumaki, follow me."

A half hour later, Naruto had gotten further up a different tree without Sasuke disrupting his concentration.

"I have an apology to make," Erik said out of the blue.

"W-what, Sensei?," Naruto asked, puzzled.

"I've held your father against you," Erik admitted. "He turned his back on his family, disowned them, and took a new name -- all for villagers and nin who still don't trust us."

"Us? What do you mean, us?" Naruto asked.

"You're my nephew, Naruto," Erik said. "Didn't you ever wonder why you've got blonde hair and blue eyes in a country like this?"

Naruto scratched his head. "I never thought about it..."

"Our clan originally came from a land far, far away to the north," Erik said. "We travelled on our nailships, blown far off course, lost in a strange land... and Shodaime took us in."

Naruto scratched his head.

"Don't worry about it" Erik said. "I don't know if you can be re-admitted into the Clan, after your father turned his back on us, but..."

"YEEEEAH!" Naruto screamed.

* * *

Summary: Outsiders don't know what natives do, and have fresh perspectives.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

If anyone wants to continue this, the previous, or any of the drabbles in this collection, shoot me an email. alan dot p at orcon dot net dot nz. (Hopefully ffnet won't eat that.)

I know some of these drabbles are weak -- they're as much to exorcise plotbunnies as anything else.

* * *

For all it's ninja status, Konohagakure no Sato still had to feed it's inhabitants through planting crops and raising animals. Due to it's status as the premier village, it possessed large farms. Apprentice ninja were assigned D-rank missions during harvest time, but slaughter time...

Slaughter time was a different story.

Konoha possessed a small abattoir, but did not possess a trained team of people to run it. This was normal -- the season for slaughter was not all year. The seasonal workers for the abattoir were drifters. Highly trainer drifters, paid well for their services. Highly trained because knife-hand training is not a common skill.

Why were apprentice ninja not used? Simply because they were not trusted to adhere to food and safety standards. Nor were they capable of enduring the repetitive nature of the work.

Why were more trained, more mature journeymen or elite ninja not used? They universally considered the work beneath them, or simply preferred the better paying missions available to them.

Currently, Konoha was hiring a working gang composed mainly of young men. They worked hard for their money during the week, but what we are interested in is the weekend, where they do what young men do and get absolutely hammered on alcohol.

* * *

"Noble men with wills of iron Who are not afraid to die," a man sang at the top of his lungs.

"Speak a decent language and get to bed at a decent hour!" a girl yelled out her window.

"Shaddup wumman!" a friend by him roared back.

"What's that noise?" another young man asked.

The noise occured again. A sharp smack noise, followed by a little kid's howl of pain. Two passing Konoha natives pointedly ignored the cry for help.

The meatworkers turned as a group, finding a gang of full grown villagers beating on a little boy.

"That's not a very nice thing to do," the lead meatworker observed quietly, eyes hardening.

"If you knew what this little sack of shit was you'd be helping!" the villager shot back.

The meatworkers cracked their fists and began dispensing beatings all 'round, empowered by muscle backed by days of hard labour.

* * *

"You beat up Konoha citizens!" a council member accused.

The lead worker crossed his arms unrepentantly. "They were lucky we din' have our tools on us, the gobshites."

"You tell 'em!"

The village leader, the Hokage, looked happy. "I find them not guilty, since they were acting in defence of another, and a minor I might add."

* * *

A year later, the meatworkers returned when the time had come for the year's lambs, as well as the older sheep, to be slaughtered and frozen down.

The little boy they had saved sought them out to thank them for saving him, and they took a shine to him.

* * *

Post-fic notes:

Not sure where this is going. I've got a mental image of Naruto with a pennywhistle -- the drunken song in the middle section is the Pogues, you see. My other mental image is of him preferring to use butcher's knives rather than kunai. I'm not sure where this came from, come to think of it.


	11. Naruto and the Wayward Kitties

Naruto squinted down at the scroll.

He'd gotten sick of endless cold showers and gone to look at the ancient boiler in the basement of his apartment building (that looked suspiciously sabotaged.) Wedged in the firebox, as if someone had wanted to make very, very sure that it burnt to a crisp, was a tatty old scroll that Naruto had spent the last hour pulling out without wrecking it.

Naruto wasn't stupid. He knew that if there was an old scroll hidden somewhere, then it had a super cool technique on it. Manga wouldn't lie to him! Only last week, Super Ninja Strange's sidekick Hiroshi had learnt the Turtle Wall Technique from a scroll he'd found in the Shark Sennin's Underwater Hideout.

"Summoning... scroll," Naruto read out slowly, "of Way... ward Kitties. Cool! What's a wayward kitty?"

* * *

Naruto glared at whatshisface, the teacher who had tricked him into stealing the Sealed Scroll from old man Hokage. While his summons was capable of killing pretty near anything, the Academy wouldn't let it count as extra credit.

They spent the next month repainting their houses every single day. Useless summons, were they?

"I'll kick your ass! RELEASE... THE KITTIES!"

A couple of ANBU dropped out of the tree, and one began to give Iruka medical field treatment while the other stood next to Naruto. A horde of housecats blinked into existance. Their claws came out, their eyes were wide, and their ears were flattened. They charged the once-teacher like a fuzzy breaker at the beach.

Mizuki's hand rose briefly out of the furry mass, reaching towards the short blonde imploringly, before it fell back into the furry maelstrom. Blood began to splatter after awhile.

"Doesn't this disturb you?" the ANBU asked Naruto curiously.

Naruto looked up at him. "Should it?"

"You're a weird kid, you know that? You'd better call them off if you want Interrogation to be able to get details out of Mizuki."

"Aw, do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Aw, man..."

* * *

Yes, as in Nathan Explosion. "Release... the kitties!"


	12. One Of Happosai's Treasures

Naruto sniffled, rubbing his face where the orphanage matron had slapped him, hard. He looked up to see a tiny old man crouched on his windowsill, dressed in a dirty old brown gi.

"Hello, boy, what's your name?"

"Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto, sir."

The old man produced a pipe that he puffed on. "Uzumaki, eh? I knew your mother, first class pair on her, heeeheehee!"

"Really?" Naruto said, looking up, hurt cheek forgotten completely. "You knew my mother? What was she like?"

"Would you like to come with me, and I'll find you a new home?" the old man asked. "This is a disgrace, treating a child like this."

"Yes, please!" Naruto gushed. "But what about old man Hokage?"

"I'll take care of him," the old man said, puffing on his pipe. "My name is Happosai."

* * *

"Naruto-kun! Grandfather Happosai is here for you!"

"Thanks, Kasumi-neechan! Tell Soun-tousan that I'll be back in a week or two?"

"Alright, Naruto-kun. Here's a packed lunch for you. Be good!"

"Little bro, here's a phone card. Any trouble, yell and scream until you get to a phone, then ring me."

"Thanks Nabiki-neechan!"

"And if you see that pervert get fresh with any girls, hit him with a hammer for me."

"Okay, Akane-kun!"

"WHAAAAAT?"

"Well, if the shoe fits..."

"Nabiki! My own sister!"

* * *

Happosai is an amoral little troll, whose perversion is legendary, but he always looks out for little children (once they grow up it's another story though.) The R 1/2 cast is dropped into, say, the Fire Capital as martial artists. Tweaking would need to be done.

* * *

"So we have to come at you with the intent to kill, mister?"

"Yeah. Not that you'll come close."

"HAPPO-DAIKARIN! NO YEN RETURN!"


	13. Sound Invasion Scene

"Oi! Claw! Invasion!"

"Maaa, maaa. What a pain."

Splash, clunk. "Michiko-chan, pass me the cleaver, please."

Metal-scrape. Metal-scrape. Metal-scrape. Thunk. "Michiko-chan, Kyoko-chan, please hide in the refrigeration equipment outside the chiller. Boys, grab your sharpest knives."

The sound nin running up the Konoha street stopped when a group of men stepped out of a butchery. They were all dressed in white clothes, with long white aprons, and knive pouches around their waists with metal chains, and a long steel hanging from the end of the chain.

"I'm afraid I can't let you just run through our home like this," the lead butcher said. He had grey in his hair, a big sake gut, and arms like beer barrels from carrying heavy carcasses all day. While his knives were in his pouch, he had a heavy cleaver with a ten centimeter wide blade.

"Die, you stupid civilian!"

* * *

When the cleanup crew came to Claw and Fang Butchers (Est. Founding), it was to find a pile of dead soundnin in the chiller, with two pretty girls bandaging the men in the butchery.

"How did you beat them?" Izumo asked.

"Power brought to a point," the headman replied. "I slit throats all day, and my boys bone, joint, and flay them. Most mammals are similar, just with different proportions. The relatively shallow chest took a few moments to get used to, though. Maaa."

"Do you need help at all?" Kotetsu asked timidly.

"You can send some genin around to clear the bodies out of our chiller," Michiko said, looking up from where she was bandaging Dai-kun's arm. "And to take the meat in the butchery to the dump, too."

"Why?" Izumo said, looking around. "Most of it is still clean."

"It has been lying around for too long," the headman rumbled. "Health regulations require it be dumped after marking with green dye."

"I never thought I'd say this," one ninja said, "but you fullas are bad-ass."


	14. Naruto The Thief

Naruto was not having a good day.

He was stuck in some crappy forest filled with tigers that yawned when you tried to stab them (and then tried to eat you), leeches that laughed in the face of fireballs (and then tried to drain your life), and centipedes upon which Sakura's genjutsu did absolutely nothing at all (and then tried to poison you.)

Now some huge, enormous snake had eaten him, and Naruto could feel stomach acid burning his skin. Dammit, if he got out of this... wait a moment!

Naruto had been questing around blindly in the acid darkness, and his hand had happened upon what could only be a giant scroll. Cool! Maybe it was like the old man's Forbidden Techniques scroll, it was big enough. He grabbed it and tucked it under one arm for safekeeping.

How to get out of this... hey! He knew!

* * *

In the daylight, Naruto rolled out the first couple feet of the scroll. "Snake... summoning?"

He paused. Kakashi-sensei had used some kind of summoning thing on the Wave mission to get a pack of dogs to help him. This must be like that! Dogs would have been cooler than snakes, but he somehow doubted Hatake Kakashi was going to share something that powerful with him.

Well, it wasn't like there were nin popping out of the forest canopy to offer anything else. Naruto pricked his finger with a kunai and scribbled his name down quickly before it healed up.

Naruto kept reading the scroll, memorising the handseals to actually summon something.

* * *

"Summoning no jutsu!"

*poof*

"Hey, you're not Orochimaru."

"Attack that guy!"

"Don't feel like it."

"Pleeeease? Um... I'll buy you some ramen?"

"God, the things I do... any other serpent, you'd be food by now, but seeing as I'm such a kind reptile... it had better be the good stuff. Ichiraku, or else I'm going to tell Manda about you."

"Summons know about old man Ichiraku?"

"Word gets around about ramen that good. I think the Toads make the Toad-summoner drop by there once a year."

The enemynin sweatdropped. "Uh, can we get back to our battle?"

* * *

A/N Idea was that when Orochimaru summons the snake to eat Naruto in the Forest of Death in the second part of the chuunin exam, he summons the scrollbearer by accident. Naruto has absolutely no idea that Jiraiya has the Toad scroll, is willing to let Naruto sign it, or that Jiraiya exists.

I have no idea where the ramen part came from.


	15. Divine Retribution

Naruto... wasn't sure what to think.

He'd been kidnapped by a pack of drunks. Normally, this was bad, and started off with wire and a few kicks to the ribs.

This time, however, they had just tied his wrists together behind his back, and his ankles together. One of them was carrying him in his arms. Normally Naruto screamed the house down when they were stupid enough to forget to gag him, but he was confused enough to forget to.

"Okay, sit him down in front of the statue," the head drunk said, taking another pull off his bottle. "Takeshi, get the bag of rice. Akira, get those seals we stole from that priest."

"Have you got the sake?" the drunk who had carried Naruto asked.

"Not as if I'm trusting you lot with alcohol," the head drunk sniffed. He produced an expensive looking bottle of sake, placing it carefully down in front of the red-painted fox statue.

"Will I get this back?" Takeshi asked nervously. "Because if Kasumi finds I took the bag of rice for this week without asking..."

"Okay," Akira said, sticking one seal on Naruto's forehead, and the other on the fox statue's forehead. "Recca, do your thing."

"Right," the head drunk nodded firmly. He formed a handseal. "ACTIVATE!"

A tall young woman in billowing formal robes appeared. "What do you wish?"

All the drunks immediately bowed deeply, foreheads pressed to the ground.

"O mighty Inari-sama, we humbly ask you to deal with the Ninetailed Kitsune, here, who tried to destroy our humble village," Recca begged, lifting his head slightly to avoid eating dirt.

"This is humble?" Inari asked dryly.

"Who are you? You're weird," Naruto announced loudly and brazenly.

The drunks all seemed to stop breathing as the fox deity turned and looked deep into Naruto's eyes.

"So... Kurama... here you are," Inari said, a note of amusement in her voice. "Come out!"

"Mighty Inari-sama, isn't the Kyuubi standing there?" Takeshi asked.

"Foolish little mortal. Kurama-chan is sealed inside the vessel," Inari sniffed, making a pulling gesture.

Everyone except Inari immediately wished she hadn't done that, as a massive, multi-storey tall ninetailed fox appeared above Konoha, roaring loudly.

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR VILLAGE, ANTS!"

The drunks began to tremble harder as Inari-sama actually frowned. Upset gods were, in their books, something to be avoided at all times.

She gestured sharply at Kyuubi, who shrank into a tall, redheaded man.

"Inari-sama!" the man said. "I was-"

"Silence!" Inari commanded. "Come here!"

"I don't see why I have to obey a foolish female," Kyuubi boasted. "I am the mighty Kyuubi! First amongst the Tailed Beasts!"

Another gesture silenced the human-shaped Kyuubi. Inari sighed. "I think I need to teach you a lesson."

She didn't bother gesturing for this one. Kyuubi's tall, male form wavered and shrank, reforming into a redheaded woman with a very curvaceous figure. When the kitsune looked about to open it's stupid mouth again, Inari stared hard at it, then waved a hand.

The former kitsune staggered, then raised a shapely hand to her forehead. "Thank... you... Inari-sama. Who... what was that?"

"Compulsion," Inari snarled, frown even deeper. "Genjutsu, deep genjutsu, as these ones would say."

"Ack... ack... ack..."

Everyone looked down at the little blonde boy.

"Inari-sama! Save him!"

"He needs fox energy to survive, after housing you for so long," the deity said. A wave of her hand had a golden fox tail sticking out of Naruto's trousers, and he began to breath again. "I think I know what to do for your punishment now, Kurama."

"Me? But-"

"But me no buts! Your job is to look after this little one-tail, and to make amends for your Compelled actions. I'll decide when you've done enough."

The Hokage and his personal ANBU (Naruto's stealthy bodyguard ANBU knew when he was outclassed by deities and had gone for him) coughed.

"If I may?"

* * *

"Why are you making... Kurama-dono... stay here? There is considerable ill-will to Naruto just for imprisoning the Kyuubi. I'm not sure I want to see what will happen if word gets out that Kurama is really the Kyuubi."

Inari smiled, pouring the sake from the offering into her small ceramic cup. "Because if he, or she, currently, were to leave, it would gnaw at her if she gained no closure."

"And Naruto?"

Her eyes narrowed. "He needs a break."

* * *

A/N:

This really is NOT thought out at all. But I don't think I've seen the general idea used. If anyone wants it, feel free. I'm not continuing it.


End file.
